One Moving Part

Qype: Oberhafenkantine in Hamburg

2010-10-11T10:21:00.001+02:00

Hamburg - Eating & Drinking - Restaurants - German - Eating & Drinking - Restaurants - Eating & Drinking - Restaurants - Canteens

Leaning house of awesomeness! This is one of those hidden-away pearls of Hamburg. Sadly, now that Hafen City has been planted, this may become a bit less hidden in the near future.

The food, in a word, is KILLER. Try the Hamburg Hamburger... sample the potato salad, or venture into the unknown with the Hamburg Weißwürstchen, either way you will not be leaving hungry or poor.

The service is friendly, but very Hamburg... so if you are an ass, they will treat you accordingly. The location is small and very much heeled over like a ship at sea, frozen at a 15º -- while some people find this to be charming... others, as I recently learned, simply can not eat in such an environment. The music is pure Bert Kaempfert classics from 1950 - 1970. If you don't know who Bert Kaempfert is, shame on you! Now go Google him.

In summary, if you are in this area and are looking for a place to eat. This is the place. If you want to grab a bite before heading off to the Elbphilharmonie... well, you have time... but this is a good place to spend it.

Check out my review of Oberhafenkantine - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Billiard Center Wallisellen in Wallisellen

2010-06-20T13:24:00.001+02:00

Wallisellen - Arts & Entertainment

Located in a real underground, out of the way place, the Billiard Center is a nice place for playing pool/billiards. Full service bar, with a happy hour special from 16:00 - 18:30 that involves free snacks and buy two, get one free beer. Yeah... big deal.

The pool tables, balls and ques are in OK condition for a pool bar. The music ranges from good to remixed electro pop. The service is very friendly.

The bar itself offers a wide selection of drinks, basic selection of food and of all things: cigars. There is a large screen and beamer for watching sports. Also a few pinball, foosball and video games.

Check out my review of Billiard Center Wallisellen - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Maison Blunt in Zürich

2010-06-20T13:08:00.001+02:00

Zuerich - Eating & Drinking - Restaurants - Moroccan

Quite the weekend brunch-for-hipsters scene going on here. But if you enjoy people watching while eating near-eastern food or toking on a Shisha/Water Pipe then this is a great place for you!

Evenings are less crowded and offer nice cocktails in a more chill atmosphere... Brunch is rather packed and buzzing, so make a reservation.

The decor is very interesting, as can be seen from the photos. The wait staff is funky and quite friendly. Seating is outside sidewalk-cafe, inside on low round traditional tables with squat seats and pillows, inside normal chair-and-table... and outside back on the sunny patio.

Go there, you will not be disappointed.

Check out my review of Maison Blunt - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Haynspark in Hamburg

2010-06-06T18:09:00.001+02:00

Hamburg - Arts & Entertainment - Landmarks - Arts & Entertainment - Parks

Nice democratic sample of hamburg on display at this great park in Eppendorf. Weekends and nice weather evenings it is a paradise for the yuppie grill-chill elite, however with a nice sprinkling of students, shirtless-jugglers, Turkish families and tiny tots waddling around in the wading pool.

I fully agree with twisterella's comments on the romantic/sport offerings, sadly the ice-creme parlor is no more. (good ice-cream--it is missed). The canal provides plenty of canoe/paddle/tourist boat action--if that's what you're into!

Go there, it's good.

Check out my review of Haynspark - I am baden - on Qype

Wordpress wp-config.php Multi Language Hack

2010-04-15T11:01:00.006+02:00

I am always looking for this code I wrote from past projects. Now I will know exactly where I can go to find it--namely here!

This is a little bit of php for a wordpress wp-config.php file that will switch language of the the admin interface based on user's browser language. Note: the required .mo file(s) will need to be uploaded to the /wp-content/languages folder.


$lang = substr(strtoupper(getenv("HTTP_ACCEPT_LANGUAGE")), 0, 2);
 //echo "Language is: ".$lang;
 if($lang == "DE"){
   define ('WPLANG', 'de_DE');
 }
 else{
   define ('WPLANG', '');
 }

Qype: Blå Dörren in Stockholm

2010-03-28T23:27:00.001+02:00

Stockholm - Eating & Drinking - Restaurants - Swedish

The setting is excellent. Old world vaulted ceilings that give the decor a real traditional feel. After being seated, I highly recommend kicking things off with:
Pickled Herring Starter Plater (the wait staff will even provide step-by-step instructions on how to consume this array of cracker-bread, fish, onions, chives, sour-cream, cheese and potato. Trust me on this one... its is so good you will want to slap your mamma with a fish. Also they make their own "moonshine liquor" called "snaps"... good digestive to help the... well... digestion.

The food is very seasonal. We had late-winter fare including a lobster soup (get the small one... trust me on this) and veal meat-balls in savory gravy, with whipped potatoes, cranberries and a nice cucumber salad. Over all I would say wonderful food... and a lot of it (we had to roll out of our chairs) -- all at a very reasonable price for Stockholm.

Staff was very friendly, atmosphere cozy yet traditional and the food was exactly what we had hoped for. Only negative is they seemed to have a very crazy unisex bathroom system--but that could have just been one used for over-stuffed land whales that can no longer walk down stairs.

In summery: if you are in the mood for some right-proper Swedish fair a stones throw from the Slussen station: this is the place!

Check out my review of Blå Dörren - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Uebel und Gefährlich in Hamburg

2009-12-28T17:17:00.001+01:00

Hamburg - Nightlife - Clubs - Nightlife - Music Venues

Just to preface this review: After TWO HOURS of fighting the undulating human mass at the front door--I called it quits. So this is more a review of the insane entry process.

It is bad. Very, very bad. You know those video images of the subways of china where the trains are so packed they hire official Shovers to shoehorn more people in? Yeah, that bad.

The reason I did not spend the last 15 minutes continuing to fight my way past the asinine entry process, pay my 12 Euros and join 7-9 other suckers in the cargo elevator ride to the top is simply this: If an establishment cant get there crap together enough to manage a crowd of happy drunks that just want to get in and dance--how well are they going to handle an emergency exit? What an f'in joke.

But if you do want to brave the moronic method of entry, here is a tip: The "Lines" are left and right. Right is for "Guest List" but once beyond the crashing waves of people... everyone just jumped over to "Abend Kasse". So GO LEFT!

P.S. To the bouncer dude on the right that keep shining your mini mag light in everyones eyes and yelling and everyone to MOVE BACK or no one gets in. You should really think about cutting back on the heavy drugs. It is affecting your mental abilities.

Check out my review of Uebel und Gefährlich - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Petit Saigon in Zürich

2009-11-06T10:30:00.001+01:00

Zuerich - Eating & Drinking - Fastfood & Takeaway

After seriously jonesing for Phô the great part of the day, I did some research and came across Petit Saigon. I spent the hour getting into Zürich missing trains and walking around aimlessly until I found the place--but it was totally worth it.

For 23 CHF I got a nice bowl of Phô and Feldschlösschen Beer. Rather expensive, but normal for Zürich. And with the desperate need to feed my Phô monkey, I would have paid black market kidney prices without complaint.

The service was friendly, highly styled and... well, was surprised not to find a surprise karaoke bar tucked away in the rear.

The actual joint is quite small and cozy. Asian um-um-umbrellas and beautiful Non Quai Thao and Non La hats hang from the rafters. There must be an interior decorator on staff.

So, you are in Zürich and are looking for Phô? This is the place.

Check out my review of Petit Saigon - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Widder Bar in Zürich

2009-10-25T12:15:00.001+01:00

Zuerich - Eating & Drinking - Pubs & Bars - Bars

This cocktail bar came highly recommend by one of the best professional bartenders I have every ordered a drink from. My name is Baden, I am a professional drinker, here is my review.

No one "stumbles into" a place like this. It is sequestered under Hotel Widder, and has a very back-room speak-easy feel. My drinking companion and I where directed to a corner table... the perfect hidden lookout position for clandestine plans of taking over the world. The point here is that this place has a very private-yet approachable vibe going on.

The bar is extremely well supplied, and the wait staff simply top drawer. One goes here to drink with class and style--so plan on ordering and paying for premium cocktails.

At this writing, Widder Bar, could be considered the ultimate destination for cocktail consumption in Zürich. Highly recommended.

Check out my review of Widder Bar - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Nakombi in São Paulo

2009-10-21T15:01:00.001+02:00

Sao Paulo

I was amazed at both the quality and price of Brazilian Sushi in general. Nakombi is no exception on quality, but here you pay for the atmosphere.

The decor is lounge deluxe, the center piece being the sushi bar itself: a converted 1960's WV window Bus (Kombi). The rest of the restaurant features a in-house stream, wooden bridges, lush greenery and an upstairs balcony.

In Brazil it goes with out saying that attention is given to music and wait staff attractiveness. Hell, even the menus postcards have a noticeable "hotness" factor.

Food: You like Sushi? Eat here.
Price: Dude, it's Brazil... but still, higher priced relative to other sushi options in SP.

Check out my review of Nakombi - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: West 36 in Wetzikon ZH

2009-10-20T12:57:00.001+02:00

Wetzikon ZH

Wetzikon, Ah... Wetzikon. Not exactly a culinary center. But today I was more than pleasantly surprised by a small restaurant that occupies what looks to once have been a train depot.

West 36 offers not more than 5 dishes each day. The food leans heavily in the direction of Italian, but with a zesty Swiss Twist. If you are scouting out a great lunch spot in Wetzikon (and, honestly what are the chances of that?) I highly recommend you check out West 36.

The service was attractive, friendly and attentive. Prices where reasonable (22.50 CHF for a salad, pasta dish (wow, was it good) and beverage. Parking looked to be tight, so try and arrive a bit early to beat the rush. Also, I recommend reserving a table, as it was packed when we left.

Check out my review of West 36 - I am baden - on Qype

Helsinkiklub in Zürich, Switzerland

2009-07-18T18:17:00.003+02:00

Visited Helsinkiklub last night and was very, very impressed. First, it is a real bar. None of that over expensive, übershiek crap here—so sir, this is a drinkers bar.

When I visited they had a great life free-style hip-hop, show put on by two guys from Berlin. The show was top-notch, the sound great, and the crowd was well mixed and hopping. Strange to watching live hip-hop and even have one brother representing the black man, but whatever.

Since there was a live show, there was a 14 SFr. cover which I though was worth every cent. Drink prices where also quite reasonable, costing 6ish Sfr. for mixed drinks and wine.

The people working there where very laid back and friendly. Worth noting here is when you order vodka, they will not understand you unless you pronounce it vood-ka, but maybe they where just giving the foreigner some shit. :)

The location is stumbling distance from the Hardbrüke station, nice to know when it is pissing rain. Over all I highly recommend Helsinki as a drinking and live music venue.

2009-06-21T17:24:00.001+02:00

Bruetten

Good place for American grub with a nice roadhouse feel. All you can eat Sunday Brunch from 10:30am until 2:00pm that more than covers the basic brunch items. While eating you may notice the non-stop country music. Not sure how the burgers are, but I will return to find out.
Check out my review of Stars & Stripes - I am baden - on Qype

2009-05-19T23:25:00.001+02:00

Hamburg - Eating & Drinking - Cafes & Coffee Shops - Ice Cream Parlours

Super-duper ice cream scooper. This little corner ice cream parlor has a small but very tasty selection of top notch ice cream. One of the best in Hamburg that I have tasted.
Check out my review of Cherie's Eisladen - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Café de Barron in Arnhem

2008-12-28T16:43:00.001+01:00

Arnhem

Excellent bar for live music, tasty beer and cocktails. Beautiful, friendly people a-plenty, and you you can munch on peanuts, throwing the shells on the floor. I have never been disappointed with a night out in Arnhem that included a visit to de Barron.
Check out my review of Café de Barron - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Luba Luft in Hamburg

2008-12-17T03:24:00.001+01:00

Hamburg - Pubs & Bars - Bars - Cocktail Bars

Hard to add what has not already been said... right down to the 'aLii-told-me-so' part... but I'll throw in my two cents.

HOW CAN I HAVE LIVED IN ST. PAULI 1 YEAR AND ONLY NOW VISIT LUBA LUFT?!

I mean really. You walk into the joint, and BAM... it's like a drinkers version of the Moon Lounge from 2001. All 70's orange and rounded corners and sphere-things in plentiful abundance. Behind the bar... some bottles even a drinker's drinker may not recognize.

Seating falls into three basic categories: Old and obviously comfortable, modern and surprising comfortable and über-cool retro egg-glass chair-like things that are more for decor than a body.

Before ordering, came a (get this) White Russian _shot_. Maybe it's just my inner Dude here, but I just love it when a German bar not only has Kahlúa... but knows how to mix it with vodka and a dairy product.

My recommendation for this kind of place is to put your drink order in the hands of the professionals that take it. I had the distinct feeling that there is a good reason the drink menus look like they are meant to be ignored.
Check out my review of Luba Luft - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: A Secret Bar in Hamburg

2008-12-12T17:14:00.001+01:00

Hamburg - Virtual Places

After the afore mentioned cocktail, in this place that I shall simply call 'heaven'... came what can only be described as a near religious experience.

The Dude is dead.
Long live the Gentledude.
Check out my review of A Secret Bar - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Lunchroom in Hamburg

2008-11-15T05:22:00.001+01:00

Hamburg

Basically it's like this. Take a typical old-school st. pauli knipe, strip it, wash it, sand it down, then bring it back to all it's 1953 glory.

The Lunchroom serves the early morning crowd amazingly good coffee and breakfast-on-a-Brötchen. Lunchtime is a daily special and the usual items. Even pizzas are available until late (2 a.m!).

The place has that squeaky new tennis shoe feel--but that won't last long. Stop in for the coffee and you will not be disappointed.
Check out my review of Lunchroom - I am baden - on Qype

Coffee in St. Pauli

2008-11-14T22:14:00.001+01:00

Stumbling home the other night I passed a newly opened cafè. Even in St. Pauli with it's 24 hour party people, you can not find a good cup of coffee until 8 at the earliest. So I stepped in. The owner had just arrived and was warming some kind steam powered coffee machine from Germany's war years.

I asked for a good cup of coffee and was told that If I could wait a few minutes he will make me the best cup of coffee you can drink in St. Pauli. This was a sobering statement, as good coffee can be found in St. Pauli--so I pressed him and he replied:

"...if you can find a better cup of coffee than what you are about to drink, I will give you 100 free cups."

Game on. Over then next 2 weeks I will hunt down the best cup of coffee in St. Pauli. Since ordering coffee in many places has it's own vernacular, this test will be limited to what ever the fruity hipster Barista delivers when ordering "you best cup of coffee, please".

Qype: Pho Vietnam in Hamburg

2008-10-23T20:57:00.001+02:00

Hamburg

Located where Hanoi was, this newly opened Phở House is the real-deal. Perfect Phở and they even had traditional drip-coffee with condensed milk that you can pour over ice.

What I really appreciated most about Phở Vietnam is that they did not also offer 'Thai', 'Chinese' or (heaven forbid) 'Italian'. It is what it is... and after my first trip, I say it's damn good at that.
Check out my review of Pho Vietnam - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Salam City in Hamburg

2008-07-23T21:54:00.002+02:00

Hamburg - Restaurants - Take Away - Falafel

Wonderful place for a lunch-time flaffle wrapped in a flat pita. For 3€ you get a super tasty mid-eastern alternative to the typical Turkish Pizza, and everything you see is being made fresh in front of your face. And if you choose to hang out a bit, expect a 'shot' of tee as is the tradition.

This is very much a quick-bite-to-eat place, but even so, the decor has been put together with a kind of thoughtful care that exudes simple, tasteful pride. Lunch time crowd is quite diverse: from stuffed business suits to mid-day shoppers that strayed a bit off the Mönckebergstraße strip.

Try this place once, and it won't be the first time for long!

Check out my review of Salam City - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: hollywood canteen in Hamburg

2008-07-22T20:46:00.002+02:00

Hamburg - Restaurants - Fast Food & American

Ugh. I am writing this with not one but two belly bombers anchoring me down. Four visits is enough, never again. This last time was a remarkably horrid experience.

This week there was a huge sign out front 'buy one get one free'. The deal seemed pretty clear, so despite my other three mediocre visits, The Mexican and I opted for yet another Hollywood Hamburg adventure.

Gripe #1: Buy one get one free comes with more strings than 80's pop music. The free burger was for me and only me. I could not share my free burger with The Mexican. Also, I could not bring said 'free' burger home with me. Ok, ok... this was just some gimmick to get me in the door (a ploy that this burger joint seems to rely on heavily), but I really felt as if I had been tricked.

Gripe #2: The battle ax behind the counter was... unfriendly to put it mildly. But to be fair, on other nights the service has been friendly, cute university chicks... no complaints there.

Gripe #3: 1950's Oldie Rock playing nonstop. I believe they have one CD on infinity loop. I realize that they don't make any more 1950's "I'm just a lonely teenager now that my poodle skirt girl died on dead mans curve while drag racing my hotrod" - and there are good reasons. After 3 songs it's a true BEATING.

Gripe #4: Bland, soggy hamburgers. Bland, soggy chicken burgers. Bland, soggy hot-dogs. Stale, day-old buns that, when removed, beg the classic question: where's the beef?!

Gripe #5: Stupid, embarrassing names for the menu items. Yes, they got away with this in Pulp Fiction's Jack Rabbit Slims... but they also had slot cars, a midget page and a memorable dance scene. I mean come on! Ducky Don Carlos my <euphemism>donkey</euphemism>.

So to sum up: we where tricked, beat about the head and shoulders by Nurse Ratchet, subjected to torturous bad flash-back music and lost any remaining dignity by having to order 'pun'ny named sup-par burgers.

But hey, you know, that's just, like, my opinion, dude...

Check out my review of hollywood canteen - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Eiscafé Veneziana in Hamburg

2008-07-15T18:53:00.002+02:00

Hamburg - Cafes & Coffee Shops - Ice Cream Parlours

Very much Italian ran... and very, very good.

Although you sit inside, most of summertime business happens just off the sidewalk. I have even watched a dude ride up to the counter on his bike, order, pay and leave--all without bothering to dismount.

Overall, if you happen to be in the area--and are jonesing with the 'you scream I screams'--by all means stop, walk or roll in for a cone! But, if are on a quest for the 'Best in Hamburg', Eiscafé Veneziana will at least make the short list.

Check out my review of Eiscafé Veneziana - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Cafe Absurd in Hamburg

2008-07-15T17:17:00.001+02:00

Hamburg - Cafes & Coffee Shops - Cafes

I often choose Café Absurd when I need a central, neutral place to meet for coffee. Outside of coffee and it's many derivatives, Absurd also offers beer, wine and a pretty decent sandwich menu.

When the weather is nice, you can sit outside on the pick-a-nick tables--and when it's not, you have cushy chairs and sofas inside. Also WLAN and a smokers area for you that do.

The wait staff are true St. Pauli... nice and cool. They always bring a side-shot of water with your coffee, and they always offer a chocolatey-marshmellowly-pillow-on-a-wafer thing. A nice touch that I have only experienced here.

The music is as eclectic as the staff. I have heard a wide range of chill standards, funky soul and german indie rock.

Check out my review of Cafe Absurd - I am baden - on Qype

Qype: Große Freiheit 36 in Hamburg

2008-07-15T16:51:00.001+02:00

Hamburg - Nightlife - Clubs - Nightlife - Music Venues

Große Freiheit 36 is actually a pretty sweet place to see a gig. It's roomy, but still small enough to hint at being intimate. There is a very large balcony that sweeps around three sides of the venue so if are a wee person, or happen to be bringing a wee one as your date, you've got options.

The acoustics are surprisingly quite good. I saw a rock/acoustic performance and my ears left happy.

The drinks where as expected: very weak and very expensive. I paid €9 for two waters and a shot of Pernod. The 'shot' came in a laughably small thimble. I mean, seriously... it looked it should have been served on the table of the 'tequila shooting frogs'. Solution: get lit out front before the show... it's Große Freiheit after all, no lack of things to see, wink-wink, nudge-nudge...

Check out my review of Große Freiheit 36 - I am baden - on Qype

The Five Point Five Year Stamp

2008-06-19T12:15:00.004+02:00

Click to Enlarage

I know a guy who knows a guy... and you know this guy. While at university this guy, the one you know, studied many things. After many years it was time to graduate, but it was not exactly clear what was his 'master' subject—it seemed learning was his true passion. The story ends with enough credits and knowledge to basically name his degree. I believe he choose history. He is one of the top 5 most intelligent people I ever met—he has the education to prove it.

Here in Hamburg I have a good friend that might be considered vintage. 62 years old, and wow has he lived each and every one of them. Every time he tells a story or recalls a personal adventure, jaws hang partially open and once again the listener is stunned. How one man can fit so much living into just one lifetime is still a mystery to me. He is one of the top 5 wisest people I have ever met—he has the years to prove it.

When I decided to live abroad I wanted more than just the experience—I wanted something to show for it. Much like the first guy, I have a passion for learning. So, I figured, if applying oneself at university for more than a few years can procure an impressive degree, there must be some kind of equivalent. My 'European Degree' took the form of becoming a permanent resident of the EU. This would allow me to live and work in any of the EU countries just as I can in any one of the US States. It was by no means an easy task—and I highly doubt I could have achieved it without the support and encouragement of many. Although I may never be as intelligent or as wise as people that I look up to, it's a pretty good feeling knowing sometimes I have the tenacity to finish what was started—and on June 12, 2008 I have the stamp in my passport to prove it.

Move, Time, Travel

2008-01-15T10:39:00.000+01:00

Time seems to move faster in 2008. It probably has much to do with moving to the beautiful harbor city of Free and Hanseatic Hamburg! Yes, I recently moved, traded pigs for ships, and wow I am a heapin' helpin' lot happier for it.

You know that saying 'if you want something done, give it to someone busy'? Since the move it's been all kinds of busy--and if my taskmanager is any indication, it looks like I am checking off about 50% more tasks per day. One client is off to showcase their new exhibition Dialogue in Silence to the WEF in Davos, Switzerland and has been using Twin Pictures as a media and technology swiss army knife. Another client pulled the trigger on an training program we offered for 'Cosmetic GMP'--with the promises to develop into a very interesting long term relationship. 'Ours to loose' as they say in Texas.

And to top it all off... it's off to India on Saturday! I have only experienced one Bollywood film, and not once in the 4 hours was there a wedding, therefore I have no idea what to expect. However, in addition to the wedding in Bhilwara (that lasts 4 days!), there are tailored suits to be fitted for in New Delhi, and a business trip to visit an outsourced programing team in Pune.

In 2007 I stretched my Northern and Southern borders of travel. Next week I will push further East than I have ever been. Hard not to be excited about the direction 2008 is heading so far!

Click to Enlarage

An American Halloween in Germany

2007-10-28T14:01:00.001+01:00

The phone rang this afternoon. It was the local Newspaper.

Yes, Hello?

Good Day. My name is Mrs Blablabla from the Biberblaber Newspaper, I am calling for a Mr. Baden.

I am he.

I found your name from the official registration records of our district, and it says that you are an American. Can you give our subscribers a unique view on how Halloween is celebrated in your country?

Moment... only so I understand correct. You find me from official record. You know I be American. You want know how people from my country party about Halloween?

Yes, exactly. Can you tell our readers how Halloween is celebrated in your country?

Wow. It is good to know records like this are so open. OK. Halloween...

I proceeded to explain--using my 5-year old German--all the different things most Americans do during Halloween. I tried to tie in what I remember about the background and directed her to Wikipedia. I found that I was missing a few German words when trying to explain concepts like Pagan Roots and Bobbing for Apples. Our 20 minute conversation ended up with her asking if it would be OK to send someone around to take my photo for the paper. Absolutely Not, I replied...It's bad enough that I can be tracked down as an American living in this little pig-farming dorf... a photo in the paper is out of the question. So much for keeping a low profile. Time to move to a bigger city.

Brazillian Basics I

2007-03-29T21:39:00.000+02:00

Food: Lots of very good, exotic fruit, therefor lots of crazy fruit juices sold in Juice Bars. Everything that could be sweet is way sweeter than you expect. Meat, Fish, Sushi all very good and inexpensive. Sandwitches (sanWee-gee) and places where you can pay for a plate of food by weight abound.

Drinks: Beer (shoppe) is O.K., best to go with Caipirinha just not with Pitú (known as shrimp juice here). Guaraná Antarctica is also very nice.

Driving:
fullflex bi-fuel system. Top 3 brands: VW, Fiat and Chevy.

Language: Everyone speaks very fast. Use the phrase "tudo bom" (tu-do bon) and/or "tudo bem" (tu-do bayn) as much as possible--it means "everything cool?" and everything is always cool. Also, when meeting somebody, you get to say "Oi" like a London punk rock bitch-head from the mid 70´s.

Pets: Very high concentration of veterinary clinics, pet grooming and pet supply stores. People love cats and small/medium sized dogs.

Beach Weekend - Maresias, Brazil

2007-03-26T15:57:00.001+02:00

Years ago, when I was living in New York City, I learned how to recognize and appreciate the moments that become wonderful memories as they occure. This weekend was one--in spades! Every aspect from the weather, the location, the company, the food... perfectly magical.

Saturday morning we woke up late, and rushed to jump on a bus for Sao Paulo. Arriving, we took the metro to where we where to meet with our new friend Bianca. After a quick purchase of some more summer threads, we met our new friend and 'zoom' off to the beach. Just before we arrived in Maresias, we stopped for a bit at Camburi Beach. We walked down the beach, hiked through the jungle, and ended up chilling on the rocks that jut out into the sea (pictured). Moments like this turn people you know, into friends that you love.

From rocks back to beach for food, drink and a swim that ended up being our first of many 'If we don't kill ourselves' adventure of the trip. The three lifeguards that saved us from being swept out to see where very nice guys, by the way. After not dieing, we drove the 6km to Maresias where we met Jeff and Lille. Well actually they where called Je & Le Le, as Brazilians have the custom to shortening names. Men get one syllable, the women also but it's repeated.

The rest of the evening was filled with great food, vodka and tropical fruit... and toped off by dancing until 7am in what has to be the best clubbing experience of my life. Imagine a club located in the middle of a beach jungle... hidden within walls of lush trees and beautiful people.
As I think back on it all now... I feel changed somehow. It was so much to digest in such a short time. Perhaps I am digesting still.

Click to Enlarage

Campinas, Brazil

2007-03-06T20:40:00.001+01:00

From Germany, to Holland, to Spain... and finally the madness stopped in Brazil. That was last Friday, and what feels like a month ago. I am creating a reservation web application for a museum on what it's like to be blind. It's called Diálogo No Escuro and it is part of the whole Dialog im Dunkeln exhibition. This pano was shot from my 'Office/Apartment' window while taking a break from coding. No doubt there will be entries following this one... to include more of The Rich and Beautiful Brazil, The Poor and Heartbreaking Brazil... and the sun kissed Brazilian Bikini Waxed Bodies. Boing!

Click to Enlarage

Enschrede, Holland - ABN

2006-11-29T19:49:00.001+01:00

Woke up and was ready by 7.00. First time working in Holland in a few weeks, and I felt I knew what to prepare for. After a long day like this, I just want to sleep. I also want to push the ball forward in a lot of areas of my life, but I wonder if sleeping isn't the best way to achieve that.

Right now Guido changes channels and wants to sleep. As he turns the light out, leaving the changing glow of the TV for a second... only to go dark and start to sleep. The last week was really a challenge for me. I was suppose to visit my father over Thanksgiving, but that did not work out. Not enough money, really. Just had to close up my Taxes for the last 3 Q and it was not a pleasant surprise.

Sandra is now in Brazil, and after only one week, she has found herself established, with friends, and a full working schedule. I even was asked on Saturday if I could build a reservations program for the Brazilian Branch. Brazil must be an amazing land, and if I can, I would do it for cost, just for the experience. She is an amazing woman, and I have yet to find the drawer to categorize her in. Very special, the little Mexican / Deutsche / Italian / Brazilian monkey.

Dirk has been drinking noticeably more. He comes home from the Clink and picks up a beer for the road. Spends about two hours at the office, then picks up something to eat, and a bottle of white wine. That is usually almost empty by the time I get home, and it's not always the end of the drinking for the day. I wish him the best, but It's time I focus on my own life and stop trying to help him. I have done all that I could ask a friend to do for me in the Lifeguard roll.

My mother wrote me a letter. I feel for her, but still that part of my family is simply a part of the past. I miss it only in a reminiscent, sentimental sort of way.

I have been having many strange dreams the last week. Very intense, and fun to recall the next day. I wish only that a machine could be invented to record dreams, it would sure be fun to watch them conscience.

I have been searching for a new 'game' the last few weeks. Not having something to do when I want to play is always dangerous, so I have set out to research flight simulators. I played them quite a bit as a kid, and know from taking flying lessons that they make the theory and instrument understanding a lot of fun. Heh, the first time I flew a plane, the instructor keep telling me I spend too much time looking at the instruments and not enough time looking up and flying-- a good problem if I go for my Instrument Rating. The simulator I settled on was Orbiter - a Space Mechanics and Piloting simulator. Space Pilot, sure... why not.

It's almost midnight, and I had better get some sleep, as I have a 7:00 wakeup.

Click to Enlarage

Spermcoaster - Blender 3D

2006-10-09T10:54:00.000+02:00

Here is a wee test animation made using Blender 3D and Voodoo Camera Tracking. For the non-german speaking: 'die zwillinge' means 'the twins', a small advertising agency I work with here in lovely Sonsbeck. Twin Pictures is the production company I started as the media arm of die-zwillinge. Now shut up and watch the video already.

Utrecht, Netherlands

2006-10-01T14:28:00.000+02:00

Night street sounds pass below the open hotel windows. Bikes rumble by, then silence for awhile. A mix of languages—some in my mothers tongue—laugh and converse in dark tones as they walk home from the bars and clubs. An in the next moments, as sleep creeps in, I wonder if this night will be recalled accurately, in all it's splender.

God made the world, but the Dutch made Holland, and Utrecht is one of the the hubs. Because of its central location, the Ultrecht hauptbanhauf makes more connections, moves more people that any where else in the country. With a film festival in town, the streets seemed amplified with mixes of students, funky film-goers, locals and stop-overs.

High above the old canals stand the winding tangle of street, bridge and alleyways connect a village for uses long abandoned. Put in the past like the stately windmills that dot Hollands dykes. What would it all look like back in action. Windmills truning with sails full of wind, canal boats delivering goods from the harbors to the wagons and stores. It must have been an amazing place—still is. map

Things I Learned Last Night > Blender 3D to NTSC Widescreen Video

2006-05-18T11:22:00.000+02:00

I have learned a few 3D programs over the years. Learning a new one has been my obsession the last weeks. Blender is an impressively powerful 3D modeling and animation program. Blender is also open sourced. This means it is free to download, use and enhance. It is also supported by a global team of friggin cool people -- accessed via wiki and googled websites -- that help Blenders learning curves slide by a bit smoother. It is in this vein that I am collecting my findings on rendering an animation for video here. Once it is complete, I hope to join the ranks of the friggin cool.

So, Things I learned Last Night about:
I. Rendering a Blender animation for use in After Effects/Premiere
D1/DV NTSC Widescreen (1.2)
SizeX: 720, SizeY: 480 - This will render the proper (or close to it for now) screen size
AspX: 12, AspY 10 - Video pixels are not square, 12 x 10 will render the proper pixel aspect ratio, however the final footage must be interpreted manually later on
Fields on - so that the interlaced fields are rendered for video
Odd on - so that the bottom field renders first for NTSC
Output to Targa files (Extensions on) - Better than AVI in case the machine crashes during render
Save the file before rendering

Render the file from the command line like so:
blender -b <path to file><filename.blend> -a

When render completes there should be a list of .tga files in the render folder (C:/temp)

Open up After Effects / Premiere Set up Composition / Project for D1/NTSC Widescreen (1.2)
File > Import > File... > Browse to list of targas
Select first .tga file
Check Targa Sequence check box, Open

Right click on the new footage > Interpret Footage > Main...
Set Pixel Aspect Ratio to: D1/NTSC Widescreen (1.2)

There you have it.

Get Along Little Doggy

2006-03-21T22:47:00.000+01:00

Being pulled through the mountains on a Six Dog Powered sled is unlike anything I have ever experienced. First, you have to respect the fact that they love their life. Everyday they get to run, run, run! They like running so much they don't stop... not even to poop or eat snow. The back two dogs are called wheelers. They are pretty much the power houses of the outfit. The lead dogs are called, well, leads. They are pretty much the brains, you tell them where to go and they pretty much listen.

After doing this, I can't help but imagine a dog sledding team made up of 20 Jack Russel Terriers. Not only would it look friggin' awesome, but imagine all 20 of them seeing the same damn squirrel. Now that would be a ride!

Click to Enlarage

Whistler, British Columbia, Canada.

2006-03-18T19:57:00.000+01:00

Let's call it a working vacation along the lines of work hard play hard. Currently I find my self smack-dab in the middle of the playing part. Yesterday Bill, Hunter and I went snowboarding at Blackcomb and Whistler. It's been a about four years since I have been on a board, and wow am I feeling it today. I think I will live through the day so long as I stay clear of any activity involving squatting. Today's line up: Dog Sledding.

Click to Enlarage

Anti Pope

2006-02-24T15:31:00.000+01:00

Like a lion kills an antelope, and yes, yes, even like a hammer hits a cantaloupe Movlanian heart-throb Zladko "ZLAD!" Vladcik has declared himself as the Anti Pope. If you enjoyed the greatness of such true Europeans as Pleasureman Günther -- or even fake Europeans -- Zladko's blood-chilling video: Anti Pope is sure to please. But if speaking backwards through a hooded translator is not your thing, then check out project fast. Be sure to take a joyride and and 'Shake what your motherland gave you'. Now get back to the Internet.

Click to Enlarage

I (heart) gypse chicks

2006-02-20T19:16:00.000+01:00

I have a wee thing for Gypsies. And the wee thing grows a bit larger when it comes to Gypsy Music. Be it gogol bordello or filthy little gypsy girls with fiddles, I just can't get enough.

One such bands that I very much enjoy is Hot Club of Cow Town. Good Texas Swing, that. But I just read a great story about guitarist Django Reinhardt and his Quintet Hot Club of France, complete with vintage video download. Check it out at WFMU's Beware of the Blog.

Click to Enlarage

Death of a Disco Fly

2005-10-14T10:44:00.000+02:00

...well it happens a lot 'round here. And if you think peace is a common goal, just wait till four or five of these nasty-ass creatures start buzzing around your ears. I wonder if the power could somehow be amp up... then maybe they would make more of an explosion when they die. Die! Die! Die! Disco Fly.

Click to Enlarage

Dark and Frantic Transatlactic Miles

2005-10-13T16:51:00.000+02:00

Seat backs and tables to there original positions, once again it is time to brave a ride on todays commercial flying experience. Due to security restrictions, no robot pirate monkey... alas, fret not friendly American friend, for your pleasure I bring you the next best thing: a real live German wine-killer named Dirk.

So hi-yah, America! If you have a little time to get sucked up into some vacation mode fun, send me an email, adjusting the seatbelt to fit low and snug on the hips. Naturally, this is all very spontaneous, poorly planed, typical baden stuff---but what better way to have an adventure? One sketch of a plan* just might initially look something like:

-----October 2005-------
18: Fly to USA
19 - 21: San Francisco
22: Rod's wedding in Yontville
23: Sacramento
25ish: Drive motor home down to San Diego
27ish: Los Angeles
29ish: Round Mountain
-----November 2005----------
2ish: Seattle/Bellingham
5ish: Bellingham/Vancouver
8ish: Reno/Tahoe
9ish: Sacramento
12ish: San Francisco
14: Fly back to Deutschland
-------------------------------
*Everything except flights and the wedding is subject to change.

Since there is a motor home and foreign national involved, there will most likely be road-tripping in plentiful supply interspersed Chinese fire drills, visiting with friends like you... and the much needed day or three to simply chill.

All the best, and hope to see you soon!

Baden

iBad Newsy

2005-09-19T21:17:00.003+02:00

The iPod craze is going hemeroidal again with the release of both the 'iTunsey Rokr' and the new iPod Nano. Well, since the Rokr is only available in the States, I don't have much to say on that excpet it's not as cool as it needed to be. Nanos? I just might buy one of thoes Nanos.

Also in the offering is the new iTunes. Now, iTunes, I use on a daily basis. Big fan of the, iTunes, i am -- use it all the time on my PC laptop. I now have the new version, and oh how I pine for the old iTunes. This new one, feh. What with its new 'sleaker' look, has some not-so-sleak problems. What happend to my ogg files, can't play them any more. Well they play, techically, but no sound. And once one has started, forget it... crash-bang-boom if you so much as look at the player. Just learn to enjoy the song-lenght moments of silence. Guess Apple must have either changed foulder structure or I'll have to find a new plugin. Also it seems to hog alot more resources, so I get more skipping digital arrrrg! Where I never had a problem with the old iTunes.

Typical Friday Night

2005-09-19T21:17:00.002+02:00

What are you doing on a typical Friday night?

Is this a game-show question or what? Ok, sure, I will play along...
[Cut to me]

Me: You want the one-word answer?
(canned laughter/uncomfortable pause)

Game Show Guy: Heh-Heh, sure-sure, heh-heh, go ons and give us a little for instance.

Me: Well, I very rarely ever am home, so my for instance would be come home after a crazy week, and enjoy as much sun as I could. Then I might just chill down into my home zone with some good music, light my two Candles. Read a little, write a little, then call up some friends and see what is going on.

Game Show Guy. Wow, are you wacky or what!
(Applause! Applause!)

[fade out]

Flughaufen Diarys

2005-09-19T21:17:00.001+02:00

Not much luck here at the CGN. This time I arrived early to pick up my e-ticket on Lufthansa. However, as it turns out, this is not possible from Köln to Florence. Therefor I needed to purchase the ticket here, not possible on account that I have no credit card. Beat down from the early wake-up, then further pummeled by spending my day sitting at this airport waiting to inform my team of the problem and start working on a solution. First thing I have learned is that I need to verify the tickets further in advance, and be sure of the particulars. Second, I need a credit card—can't seem to earn much wiggle-room without one these days.

This little mistake might end up costing me $400 in missing a day, one that can not be made up. Depressing? Yes, but what can I do at the moment but learn from this experience best I can.

Sam is informed, he is working on his own end of the problem, it sure would help to be more involved on this level of the project. I wonder who is working this? I imagine normally the travel is handled by the client. But since this project was such last-minute, Sam must have had to arrange this himself using Matinz ( ? )

Handy at my side, tick-tock... tick-tock, waiting some solution bringers to arrive at work and deal with this little issue on the Stateside. I imagine Sam will sent me a text message when he knows how I am to proceed. Until then, guess I should figure out every airline offering connections to Florence.

The enclosed spreadsheet list out every possible connection in my general area to either Munich (more connections), Rome (many connections to Florence), or as close to Florence as I can possibly get (Pisa, Tuscany in general). I even found some pretty decent prices, however I don't have the time I need to jack around with prices.

Sam text me back, the Americanos are working out what went wrong on there end, and how to do it right.

Keep getting bit by this credit card issue. Got to have one to travel on business, this is clear.

Ok, problem solved. I need to go home, press Ctrl+Alt+Del and start all over again tomorrow.

For as many beautiful women that live in Köln, they sure are not very well represented at the Airport. Come to think of it, the airport is not really known for it's display of beautiful people, don't know why I find this suprising.

Of note: I am not impressed with Lufthansa. Really, how can e-tickets not be possible to anywhere in this day and age. But then the same could be said for people without credit cards. I should have a credit card from Deutsche Postbank, but not sure what happened to that. I will make a point to check into that today when I go home.

Flowers for My Mom

2005-09-19T21:17:00.000+02:00

Long day today. The kind of long that only flying home to the states can be. Stressful enough on it's own merit, unlike other times, mom was going to meet me at the gate. It has been a long time since mom and I have seen each other, and I was pretty nervous about meeting her after all this time. The smart Baden decided he might trump any Bad Son stories by bringing a nice bouquet of flowers. Not the plastic airport/gas station variety, but something that was truly beautiful.

That is not as easy as one might think on an International Flight to Today's US of A.

Lets say by some chance one makes it past the outgoing security. After all, many Europeans travel with flowers.

Also, with a bit of imagination, the flowers might survive transport along todays commercial flying experience.

U.S. Customs. Homeland Security. Department of Agriculture? I just hope the American people remember that once our ancestors traveled with fowers. Or at least give a son the honor of arriving with flowers for his mother.

Lord of the flyswatter

2005-08-25T15:53:00.000+02:00

Feh. Today I am trying to kill as many flys as possible. For some reason flys have decided to create a new nation in my office. After searching for the obligatory forgotten severed head of pig stuck atop spear, the honing of my fly killing skills commenced! I purchased a highly effective electric fly killing device. It looks like a small racket, but instead of string it features electro-shock fly sparkers. Although fly killing is not exactly my lifes work--life is a string of days. Today I am a calculated killer.

Perfect day in San Sebastian

2005-08-12T14:44:00.000+02:00

Today I made some new friends in San Sebastian, Spain. Funny enough, they both spoke German as well as English... not to mention Spanish -- sexy, eh? Conversation started with: Offering a bottle of water.

Click to Enlarage

Bang Boom Biarritz

2005-08-10T13:30:00.000+02:00

Three days in France and one becomes convinced all french women have their noses stuck a bit to high in the air. Then, in a small cafe in Biarritz the very thing that repelled, suddenly attracts. Alle in all, Chicago just got bumped of my top-five favorite destinations list.

Click to Enlarage

Noordwijkerhout

2005-07-27T15:05:00.000+02:00

Tuesday, May 24th (12:14 a.m. Noordwijkerhout, Netherlands)

Today started strange and just keep getting stranger. I got out of bed at 8:27, showered, packed and caught my 12:00 noon flight to Dallas, via Detroit, via Amsterdam... from Köln. After checking in, I watched the second season finally of Deadwood (damn straight great, by the way) that finished downloading the night before.

Then I waited some more.

Then the lady came.

The lady announced that the plane was late 'due to some technical difficulties' and that any missed connection issues would be dealt with in Amsterdam.

Understandably, some people did not like this situation at all. Times like this, where unexpected monkey wrenches get tossed into the plans people make really separate the how-dare-you-mess-up my-lifers from the huh-...-wonder-how-this-turns-outers

Amsterdam Schiphol was an aggravated sea of pissed off people. At it happened, the Air Traffic Control system had a glitch, and the missed flights tumbled down like dominoes. People got bitchy and took out their fustration on the airline staff that was trying to help. In situations
like this, I -- not unlike my father -- dive right into the churning chaos.

No flights out to the States this day, so everything was rescheduled for the next day, and I was kindly put up in a nice 4 star hotel, taxied there and given a handful of other little tings to ease my travel pains and such as being upgraded to business class. On a 13 hour flight a few extra inches makes all the difference.

To be honest I was all giddy with 'oh boy, a Amsterbaden night on the teat of KLM! Well they shipped me instead to this sleepy seaside town called Noordwijkerhout. So amongst the tulips and half excited half grumpy co-passengers, we all started to 'deal with it'.

I checked in, showered, asked for a map and headed to the sea. Weather was sloppy, but I found what I was looking for: A walk along the ocean eating oorlog frijts (french fry war).

Then a mini adventure transpired like a blur, but went something like this:
Long walk...
Asked a kite surfer dude if there where any Coffeehouses in the area.
More walking, then ran into this dude named Lodi.
He invites me to his pad where we sat around and talked.
Lodi's friend came over and we visit he backpacker hostel for Happy Hour
Meet more people
Watch an intense game of Chess
Walked home

Drink my free drink, informed my pickup buddy I will be a day late Ok, I have an ass-crack-of-dawn wakeup call I need to get ready for.

4:30 am wakeup, showered and checked out. 5:30 buss ride driven my some type of demon driver whipping through those round-a-bouts like a man possessed. Normally something I find enjoyable-- the bit-to-fast curve--just not while eating my good-morning yogurt.

Nice that KLM could get me back to the airport on time for my flight. Plenty of time. One might even say way too much time. Good thing AMS has an abundant supply of eye candy.

Punta Mita, Mexico

2005-06-06T18:43:00.000+02:00

First time in Mexico. I have lived in LA and Dallas and driven near the border more than a few times. I know all the Spanish words needed to prevent getting oneself killed in a Mexican restaurant. I have flown over this land on my way to Guatemala, but this marks the first time I crossed the border.

For the next few days I am working at the Four Seasons in Punta Mita, Mexico. Posh? Very much indeed. Satisfying work in a luxurious environment--I hope I don't get use to this as it would be hard to top. At this writing I have garnished at least two good stories, one of which entails me being pulled over by a Mexican police for 'speeding and swerving', earning me the nickname of 'Autobahn.' Gotta run, more to come.

Click to Enlarage

"Dearest of my friends" - Dirk Worring

2005-05-19T14:46:00.000+02:00

Evil Dirk. This guy is my German brother. Our kids will raise some hell together, of that I am sure. One of the many reasons I toy with the idea of getting my tubes tied.
Dirk is also the greatest contributer to my "Wine Bottle Corks" collection. That he will die before me, of this I am certain. If what Morrissey said is true, it's nice to know someone will be there reserving the good seats.

Click to Enlarage

O happy day! > email ahoy from yer ol pal baden

2005-05-12T10:21:00.000+02:00

Ok, ok, ok... it seems I have been more than a bit remiss at staying in touch. It is simply not in my nature... and I've been a busy boy lately. And aren't we all. Busy that is—naturally not the boy part. Please forgive the not-so-tailored-to-you mass email-o-gram. As always, these things are intended only as something to nibble, not unlike the fist full of m&m's dispensed from the unhygienic catch of a coin operated machine. Also, if you have (or wish you had) forgotten me... well then you should know that I am not the sort that would put a soggy wet mitten in your lunch bag.

I am returning to the states May 24 - June 22ish for another whirlwind business / pleasure / friends-n-family tour. If you are in, or are going to be in: Dallas, Sacramento, Tuscon, S.F., L.A., Punta Mita or the far North West corner of Washington State—chances are it is to visit you. As my robot monkey is not fully operational yet, I am still lacking my complete set of organizational skills... however I do have a loose schedule starting to take form. So then, who wants to buy me lunch? I will regale you with stories culled from events loosely based on fact and undoubtedly embellished... any takers?

Now I shall return to whatever it was I was doing previous to this. In closing, I have included some links that someone might-could find interesting. Can't get enough of that might-could business, It just kills me. It's my new favorite expression.

<tech>
Windows has released a new version of there Windows Mobile. Smart phones are one of the fastest-growing segments of the tech industry with sales expected to increase 67 per cent this year (32.2 million units). It seems people will be needing/wanting applications that run on this handy platform, no? Hmmm.
http://digital-lifestyles.info/display_page.asp?section=platforms&id=2206
</tech>

<geek>
I found a great little website (with firefox extension) called bug-me-not. Basically a huge annoyance saver every time one is asked to 'register' for free access to a website (i.e. NY Times). Simple, straight forward and free. Should have though of this back in the CLBN 'psychographical profiling' years.
</geek>

<tunes>
Not really a link, but I though I would list some great music to check out if you have not already. Iron and Wine (great cover of Such Great Heights by The Postal Service.) If you don't like the writing or voice of Ben Gibbard from The Postal Service and Death Cab for Cutie, I assume you have never enjoyed road trips. Oh the joy of The Ditty Bops... or anyone that wants to 'shimmy like sister Kate'. Finally, there is Ryan...that's Ryan with an 'R' Adams. Check out his version of Wonderwall.
</tunes>

Warmest regards, after all...
it's Springtime...
for Baden...
in Germany

Broke Another Mirror...

2005-04-18T19:41:00.000+02:00

...and maybe I am turning into something I am not.

Living in Germany the last few years has offered many worthwhile challenges. A new language, for one. Not that I will ever speak it beyond the eloquence of a five-year-old, but still—it is communication of a sort. The down side to this is less obvious; what passed as my spoken English has taking quite a beating. It is surprising how many gems in my mother-tongue vernacular need a good polishing.

Maybe I am addicted to what my father calls “The Order of Chaos.” Just leaping into the fray, and navigating by feel. It is exciting and rewarding... but it is not really the kind of skill one brags about on a resume.

The mirror is only cracked, and still usable. Could just be that the daily loop was getting too predicable for my little addiction, and I needed another ingredient of chaos added into the mix.

Jet Lag

2005-04-18T00:18:00.000+02:00

I recently returned from an transatlantic trip. Well, not exactly recently... I have been back for a week already. One might think, that after a week's time, that whole whacked out bio-clock thing would get with the new-old program. When the waking hours are filled with stifled yawns and sleep peppered with same—no fun, no fun at all.

But on a more medically intriguing note: I have discovered a new kind of cramp! There is apparently some muscle that is located just back under the chin, and when that baby starts to cramp up during a yawn, better hang on tight for one painful ride. I would rather be stabbed through the knee with a pair of rusty garden shears then another lower mandibular yawn cramp.

I blame KLM and there Oompa Loompa designed Boeing 777.

Monkeys

2005-04-15T19:40:00.000+02:00

Monkeys are fast. You can't catch a monkey, they are very fast.
You might can try, and even feel that you are closing in on sucess--but no.
They are only toying with you.

Unless of course you happen to be a pirate. Pirates have a special power over the monkey.

So, if you are lacking pirate blood, don't wast time trying to catch your own monkey.
A better idea would build your own robot monkey.
Saves on the poop flinging bills too.